2002-10-15 - 10:09 a.m.

You know that at any minute of any hour of any day, someone, somewhere might be talking a whole lotta mess about you. That's my lesson for the day, my friends. Smack-talk from individuals sparks critical assessments of familials, Inspectah Deck might say. He didn't, but he might.

So today I relate to you the mundane, but somewhat amusing tale, of the misdirected email. Most of you know what I'm talking about, especially if you write a lot of emails for work every day. Or if you gossip like a sewing hen over the Internet medium. It's the message you meant to forward, but instead you replied to. It's the one with the relaying of information from a source plus snarky comment about said source. It's the message that caused a sickly, bottom-dwelling chill to pass over you right after you clicked Send (or pressed Control + Enter, if you're a power Outlook jockey like myself).

Without further ado, a string of messages. Nice and technical for that authentic feel. Times are weird because of time zones. Commentary interspersed. Names changed.

-----Original Message-----

From: Emma

Sent: Monday, October 14, 2002 3:45 PM

To: Trevor

Subject: style question

Hey--Do you know how "hours per frame" is written? And what exactly does it mean, cause I'm just picturing a very, very slow movie....

Thanks,

Em

I get a couple questions like this a day. I'm the style guru or something because I've been at the magazines longer than any other editors besides my boss.

-----Original Message-----

From: Trevor

Sent: Monday, October 14, 2002 2:58 PM

To: Emma

Subject: RE: style question

probably a slow, slow rendering project with global illumination and stuff like that? i haven't seen it enough for it to warrant an abbreviation, i think. what's the context?

The plot thickens. Or not.

-----Original Message-----

From: Emma

Sent: Monday, October 14, 2002 4:02 PM

To: Trevor

Subject: RE: style question

it's in an article about steven soderbergh's solaris. it says "Cinesite could complete the final 4K renders at 2 to 4 hours per frame." So I guess I'll leave it as is, except spell out two and four?

It's gonna get good in a second, promise.

-----Original Message-----

From: Trevor

Sent: Monday, October 14, 2002 3:17 PM

To: Emma

Subject: RE: style question

yes. ahhh 4K renders, yes.

So there's the answer. End of story, right?

-----Original Message-----

From: Emma

Sent: Monday, October 14, 2002 4:23 PM

To: Trevor

Subject: RE: style question

so i guess it's "hours per frame." And Trevor needs to stop saying ahhh and yes in his messages, sounds like he's getting off

Bingo. Here's the money shot. This was undoubtedly meant for one of the other editors in Kansas. Not even a great zinger, either. Kind of a waste.

-----Original Message-----

From: Trevor

Sent: Monday, October 14, 2002 3:26 PM

To: Emma

Subject: RE: style question

ahh. yes.

Of course, by this point I know, so I sent one back just to let her know that I know. But allowing for the possibility that I'm simply confused by this last unsavory message. So here's her slapdash attempt (though probably the best she could do, considering what she was working with) at brushing off the very suggestive (sexual harrassment, anyone?) last email:

from now on, all of your tools writeups should start like that, i think it'll attract a bigger audience. And from now on, I need to stop referring to people I'm talking to in the third person.

Not bad. I almost believed it. Not. What was my final parry in this feeble little game? Nothing. Just let her sit and stew and worry a bit. I'm a right bastard, ain't I?

On the whole, this gaffe pales in comparison to what my former boss replied to a ridiculously coiffed publicist (when he meant to be forwarding the publicist's message to me):

"Best hair in the business."

Publicist played dumb, like me, and replied to him:

"I'm not sure what you mean by best hair, but if you mean that Acme Corp. has the best products in the business, then you're right." Typical fashion. Gotta love it.