2002-02-12 - 11:47 a.m.

Once again the Academy Award nominations are announced and I'm reminded how out of touch with Hollywood I am. I guess it's not a terrible thing to be out of touch with.

The other day I was riding on a press bus out to a corporate HQ in suburban Jersey for a press conference. Working off about four hours of sleep, my ass fell asleep before we even passed through the tunnel. I came to hearing the strains of a conversation between two guys from another magazine.

"I didn't see any good movies over Christmas," one guy said. Probably in his forties, married, couple kids, feels important enough to wear a suit even though it's not necessary to his job. "Usually there are a few." Hmm, I'm thinking, this guy might be a total film snob.

The other dude, who looks way too much like George Costanza for me to glance at him for too long, agrees, adding that he saw The Royal Tenenbaums. "It sucked. Completely awful. Can't believe that movie even got made."

I know everyone's entitled to their opinion, no matter how stupid it might be. But I really don't understand why Wes Anderson's movies inspire so much bile.

If you think everyone who's seen Rushmore loves it, think again. And while you're thinking for that second time, check out the user comments on the IMDB or something.

I really can't understand this man's disbelief that the studio actually made the movie. I don't wonder how Pearl Harbor ever got green-lighted. It was a business decision, and, though it looked like a dumb one when the movie tanked in theaters, the studio had the last laugh once the DVD got released.

How about Freddy Got Fingered? This may have been a more ridiculous decision on its studio's part, but I can make a case for it. First of all, the gross-out bandwagon's wheels are still spinning. Second, Tom Green was married to Drew Barrymore at one point. That counts for something.

The Royal Tenenbaums? Hmm. OK. Let's assume for a minute that the movie is awful, the characters are all one-dimensional and hopelessly childish, the script sucks, nothing's at stake in the whole movie, it's not funny, it's too slow, etc. This is what a lot of people believe, by the way.

So how about...the intense cult following that Wes Anderson enjoys added to the immensely star-studded cast almost assures a break-even at the box office for a relatively modest $25M flick? And when the DVD's released complete with Wes and Owen's commentary, that the same twentysomethings that flocked to the theaters on opening day will be in line at Best Buy? That most critics in America will be predisposed to backing this thing, based on Anderson's wunderkind status, deference to acclaimed directors of yesteryear, not to mention his first couple of successes?

Does that seem to be a valid explanation of how The Royal Tenenbaums "even got made"?

So what's my point? Er, OK, so the Oscars. Yeah. Look, I really don't know why all you have to do to be considered a great Ac-Tor is to chew scenery as a narcissistic handicapper, but that seems to be the one-way ticket to Oscar city. I'm just surprised Jim Carrey wasn't nominated. I'm disappointed that he wasn't because I wanted to be even more pissed that Gene Hackman got the big D.

By the way, after the two dudes -- who should be pretty intelligent based on what they do for a living -- waxed poetic about the upcoming summer blockbuster season.

"Men in Black 2 is coming out. That should be good, because the first one was awesome."

Exactly. Now you're making sense. Most movies just suck nowadays. They get these pretentious characters to mope around, not do anything, and say things that don't make sense and you're supposed to think they're funny and they put all these weird symbols like spotted mice and falcons all over the movie and it's like you're in a college class or something and you have to decipher everything to enjoy the movie -- and the only way to know you're not gonna get screwed out of ten bucks is to see a sequel of a movie you liked the first time around. Thank you.